So I Decided to Give My Daughter Pigtails…

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I have never–not once–beautified my daughter’s hair in any way.  When it’s daddy-daughter time, her hair is typically a post-apocalyptic mess.  Just a big ol’ fuzzy mop.  Part of this stems from the fact that my wife usually takes on this daunting hairstyling challenge.  The other part I can safely say…

Is FEAR.

I mean, I’m a man.  I might be hairy, but I sure as hell don’t know what to do with any of it.  Do I cut it?  Do I comb it?  Blowdry it a little?  I don’t know!  And that’s where the fear comes in.  We fear what we don’t understand.  And I don’t understand hair.

But being a man also means stepping up to the plate and taking on challenges we don’t wish to face.  And giving my daughter pigtails was going to be a challenge.  So yesterday–finally–I stepped up to that proverbial hairy plate and took a big, meaty swing.  Did I hit it out of the park?

Let’s find out.

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Strange Exchanges with Audrey: The Taste of My Nose

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I’m starting to think my kid’s nuts.  Are all 2-year-olds this nuts?  I seriously have no idea.  It’s just…  The things this kid says sometimes.  They make no sense whatsoever!  Latest case in point:

AUDREY:  Sing like an egg.

ME:  Sing like an egg?

AUDREY:  Yeah!

ME:  *sings like I’m in an egg*  Here I am!  Singing in an…egg?

AUDREY:  Lick your nose too!

ME:  You want to lick my nose?

AUDREY:  Yeah!  *mimics licking with a loud, demonstrative SLURP!*

ME:  Is my nose tasty?

AUDREY:  *slurps again*  Yummy nose!

So…yup!  You heard it here first, folks!  I have a yummy nose.  Delicious.

SLUUUURP!

The Stupid Things I Say Never Go Away

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I was in a delirious state the morning I found my daughter stuffing a plush clove of garlic into her horse’s mouth.  I had not slept a wink the night before thanks to some poor eating habits the previous day, you see.  No one need consume that much ranch dressing.  Nevertheless, despite my less-than-heightened state of being, I was fairly sure that horses are not ones to consume full cloves of tear-eliciting garlic.  So I alerted my 2-year-old daughter to this fact.

“What they eat, daddy?” she said in return.  I would have said apples or hay had I been even remotely awake.  Instead I looked around the perpetual mess that is our living room and gazed upon three plush toy carrots, all sewn together.  “Carrots.  Horses eat carrots.”  “Carrots?” she replied questioningly.  But for only a moment.  Soon a smile spread across her face and she snatched the carrots up in her hand.

A split second later they were rammed into the poor horse’s mouth with the force of five freight trains.

To make matters worse, the horse sings if you press a button–its mouth moving animatronically to boot.  So of course Audrey pressed it.  And there I was, 95% asleep, wearing only a pair of boxers, and watching a horse struggle to sing with three carrots stuffed deep down its throat.

Horrifying.

I should have known it would be a weird day after that.  I should have known to keep my mouth shut.  Because it did turn out to be one of those days.  And all the stupid things I would say…

Just would not go away.

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Out of the House Round-Up: The Job of Being a Dad, Toddler Distraction Tactics & Other Parents Are Horrible, Aren’t They?

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All this staying-at-home has made me a little stir crazy. Let’s take a look around the internets, shall we?

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Dangle That Carrot, Baby! (a.k.a. How to Get My Toddler to Go for a Walk)

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I’m a guy that likes to go for walks.  I used to run quite a bit, but now that I’m old, creaky, and growing hair in all sorts of strange places, I walk.  It’s a good way to get out of the house, clear my head, and get some exercise.

When Audrey was born over two years ago, the frequency of my walking trips skyrocketed.  She would fall asleep in the stroller every single time back then, affording my wife some measure of respite, my daughter some much needed rest, and me some added means of losing weight.

As Audrey has grown, however, these stroller trips have fallen by the wayside.  She no longer falls asleep in the stroller, and has grown large enough to damn near capsize the thing if she’s anxious to hop out.  This leaves me in the unenviable position of having to chase a toddler while dragging a bulky stroller.  Not pleasant.

I miss my walks though.  But how do I get my precious walking in without raising my blood pressure to dangerous heights?  I’ve been working on this problem as of late, and while not ideal, I have managed to formulate a plan that makes both me and my daughter as satisfied as humanly possible.

I call it “Dangling the Carrot”.

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Potty Training is Crap

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The other day my 2-year-old turned to look at me and said, “Daddy, I not have an accident.”  Meanwhile her chair was dripping.

The past few weeks have seen a large up-tick in the amount of potty training in my house.  With a second little bundle of stress only two months away, my wife and I are doing our best to get Audrey potty trained as soon as possible.  We don’t want to be buying diapers for two children simultaneously if we can avoid it.  We have managed to have a moderate amount of success thus far, despite the above example.  Audrey almost always recognizes when she needs to poop and does it on her potty.  Fantastic, honey.  Keep it up.  But peeing?  Not so much.  It’ll come eventually, but in the meantime the transition is resulting in some newfound gray hairs on my temples and a throbbing vein on my forehead.

Knowing full well that my pain and suffering is endlessly humorous for all, what follows is a compilation of my very least favorite aspects of potty training.  Enjoy!

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