Potty Training is Crap

Potty

The other day my 2-year-old turned to look at me and said, “Daddy, I not have an accident.”  Meanwhile her chair was dripping.

The past few weeks have seen a large up-tick in the amount of potty training in my house.  With a second little bundle of stress only two months away, my wife and I are doing our best to get Audrey potty trained as soon as possible.  We don’t want to be buying diapers for two children simultaneously if we can avoid it.  We have managed to have a moderate amount of success thus far, despite the above example.  Audrey almost always recognizes when she needs to poop and does it on her potty.  Fantastic, honey.  Keep it up.  But peeing?  Not so much.  It’ll come eventually, but in the meantime the transition is resulting in some newfound gray hairs on my temples and a throbbing vein on my forehead.

Knowing full well that my pain and suffering is endlessly humorous for all, what follows is a compilation of my very least favorite aspects of potty training.  Enjoy!

The Piddle-Foot Tracks

When people imagine a child urinating on the floor, they picture a puddle.  What they don’t envision, however, are the dozens of little footprints that spread in all directions within seconds of the puddle’s arrival.  And they do arrive within seconds!  No one ever sees them appear–they just materialize out of the ether like an unsanitary apparition, and are typically accompanied by a joyous giggle from the other room.

Oh sure, you’re having fun.

The first time this happened to me my mind froze.  It was as if all the neurons in my head crossed the streams and simultaneously exploded at the speed of light.  PISS EVERYWHERE!  What to do?  Of course the correct course of action is to track down that rascally piddle-foot and get her clean before tackling the floor.  Just don’t make the mistake of letting your guard down.  Otherwise she’ll be retracing her steps while you’re digging out the cleaning spray.

You have been warned.

Taking the Potty Places

Yesterday I took Audrey to see my folks.  And I brought her potty.  Due to lack of room in my car, the potty sat on the front passenger seat right beside me.  Have you ever driven with a toilet on the front seat?

Don’t.

I Call This Behavior “Potty Tennis”

It’s easiest if I just break “Potty Tennis” down for you thus-wise:

  1. Kid says she needs to go on the potty.
  2. Kid sits on the potty.
  3. Kid successfully accomplishes the mission at hand.
  4. JOYOUS CELEBRATION FOR ALL.
  5. Kid helps parent empty the potty, flush the bits down the toilet, clean up, etc.  THEN…
  6. Kid sits back on the potty, smiles, and demands to do it all over again.

This behavior makes me question any and all goodness in the world.

The Toilet Paper Problem

Do NOT leave toilet paper within arm’s reach of the potty!

I repeat:  Do NOT leave toilet paper within arm’s reach of the potty!

That is all.

The Everything Else Too Problem

In fact, don’t leave anything within arm’s reach of the potty.  No shampoo bottles, no cleaning wipes, no Febreze, no nothing.  If you do…they will suffer.  And you will too.

Just like me.

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