I Wonder How I’m Going to Survive Another Child

Glower-Audrey

I think I’m well on my way to having Parental PTSD. It’s not at all uncommon for me to feel shell shocked–wobbling and dead in the eyes–at the end of a long day alone with my spirited 2-year-old daughter. And that’s just one child. I’m quite terrified to say a second one is on the way. A boy. And he’ll be here in six short weeks.

Dios mio.

I’m terrified because lately I’ve found myself wondering how the hell I’m going to survive the addition of a second child. You see, whenever something goes a bit nutty around this house, I make the same under-my-breath remark: “My god.  Soon there will be two of them.” And because this is such a common refrain, I have compiled a list of all the moments that currently take place in my life and will only get worse with the inclusion of yet another crazy pint-sized beast. So let’s take a stroll down the rabbit hole, shall we?

When…

    • I step on one of Audrey’s toys barefoot at 5:30 in the morning and it sends an electrified firebolt of red hot pain up to my brain…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • I feel the warm splash of one of Audrey’s accidents on my leg (and it’s not the first time that day)…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • Audrey kicks me in the nuts, laughs, and then stomps and stomps and STOMPS on them with aplomb…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • I experience the public embarrassment of carrying a screaming toddler out of Foot Locker and then going home without having purchased a single item…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • I spend an hour loading up the car with a bulky plastic potty, a pack & play for sleeping, my pirate-themed diaper bag, a metric ton of beeping and booping toys like that horrible Elmo guitar, untold quantities of other bags my wife packed I can’t identify, a thousand-pound cooler of various foodstuffs, dozens of rainbow colored plastic plates and cutlery, and a wild-eyed child, with no room to spare all for a six hour sojourn on a weekend afternoon…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • I find myself buried alive under a multi-colored pile of stuffed animals…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • I waste twenty-two minutes every single day cleaning out millions of interlocking baby bottle parts…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • I attempt to carry out a conversation with my wife and my daughter won’t let me because she’s super loud and needs to be a constant center of attention…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • My kid keeps stealing all the food on my plate right out from under my nose…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • It takes an entire hour to get her safely off to bed…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • I go grocery shopping and the little monster keeps grabbing food off the shelves without me noticing and subsequently bends them into pretzels…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • My daughter opens the outside door without permission and lets the cats out…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • I discover her happily digging up plants in my garden…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • Audrey drops a quantity of food bits on the floor so vast as to attract legions of hungry ants…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • I stumble upon the couch’s new, decidedly more “markery” appearance… I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • My daughter squeezes through a locked gate and frolics uncontrolled for twenty minutes in an unopened spray park behind a fence I cannot hope to scale…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • I see teenagers these days not wearing jackets in zero degree weather…I wonder how I’m going to survive another child.
    • I timidly peek at our finances and gasp at the cost of raising just one of these monsters…I wonder how I’m going to survive another one.
    • My daughter puts her toy purse over her shoulder, walks to the door, and says, “I’m off to work, daddy!” I wonder whether this parenting thing…

Well, ain’t so bad after all.

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One thought on “I Wonder How I’m Going to Survive Another Child

  1. Such a great read. I can totally relate.
    You’ll manage, you might be a wreck by the end of it all with dark puffy bags under your eyes like me but you’ll manage and find your self wondering where the time went in no time!
    Congrats on the new bundle. Parenting a boys versus a girl is quite different!

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