With only weeks to go, my wife and I have been tossing a lot of baby names at the wall as of late. And thus far, many aren’t sticking. No thanks to me, however. You see, while my wife actually looks at books and the Social Security Administration’s website for baby names…
I use the opportunity for humorous effect.
This, of course, causes my wife untold amounts of grief and frustration. She’s, after all, trying to determine the everlasting moniker for our upcoming son. It’s kind of a big deal. But I just can’t help myself. Funny names are just more interesting. So, while my wife may hate my suggestions, it is my hope that you, dear reader, will find them as enjoyable as I do. Let’s see, shall we?
- Steve: I once suggested Steve in all seriousness. Then I remembered my last name is Miller. Now I suggest Steve just to drive my wife crazy.
- Trent: Introducing Trent Miller! Son of Kent Miller. Cute!
- Brent: Um, yeah. Same thing. Let’s move on.
- Captain: Do you realize there are children out there today being named King, Major, and Messiah? Well, it’s true. And compared to those Captain ain’t so bad, is it? Plus, I really like pirates. So this would be like having a pirate for a son! Every man’s dream. Captain Miller… I like the sound of that!
- Sully: I live in Boston. Sullys are everywhere, but this is due to the preponderance of Sullivans. In other words, no one has Sully as an actual first name. This is where I come in. You see, I believe a kid actually named Sully will be super popular! And have tons of street cred. Sure, he might not be terribly well-equipped for avoiding bar fights, but still. SUPER POPULAR.
- Rusty: I’m a big fan of “National Lampoon’s Vacation”. And, as you may have noticed, my first child is named Audrey. So this is an incredible opportunity, right? One that can’t be passed up. Imagine me, living out my adult life as my hero, Clark W. Griswold. Taking the clan–Audrey, Rusty, and Beverly D’Angelo–cross country in the good ol’ Family Truckster, seeking out world class balls of twine, and dancing with sandwiches for Christie Brinkley. BLISS.
- [no name]: What’s better than having a first name? Having no first name! Everyone likes a Man of Mystery after all.
- Mister: Wait, his name is Mister Miller? That’s so clever!
- Boz: Ever since I recently discovered the smooth stylings of Boz Scaggs, I have been obsessed. Like a man possessed! This is my way of paying it forward.
- Mai Tai: The taste of the tropics in a name, not a cup. Brilliant.
- America: Can you think of a more patriotic name than America? I mean, he would be a shoo-in for President. And he’d be crazy popular every 4th of July. Hell, he could dress up like Apollo Creed in Rocky IV every day with a name like that. This name…is a gift.
- Las Vegas: If this country is just too big to be the name of our son, then why not a city? Dallas is a name these days, so why not something a little less obese and a little more exciting? Like Vegas! Las Vegas Miller. Imagine how much he’d get comped!
- Clark: Say hello to Clark! And his dad Kent. Hmmm…
- Best Buy (or Walmart, General Electric, or any other corporate name): These days product placement is everywhere. And advertisements are ubiquitous. Why not take the next logical step and brand my child? You think Subway didn’t wish Jared’s real name was Subway? Yeah, there’s real opportunity here folks. All I need to do is sell the rights to my son’s name to the highest bidder! And personally I’m pulling for you Cracker Barrel. Now that’s a hell of a first name.
- Buck: As you can see, I’ve saved the best for last. BUCK MILLER. Great name, right? I mean, that’s the name of a man who gets things done! That’s a man who eats nuclear warheads for breakfast! That’s a man…well, that is a man, isn’t it? A man’s man. A woman’s man. Any kind of man. All kinds of man. MAN. And all it takes is four simple letters. We’re so close on this one, folks! Lend me your support and help make BUCK MILLER (must always be in caps) a reality.
So there you go. And by now you see that I’m clearly of sound mind to name our son. Obviously a man who wishes the name BUCK MILLER on his son is on the level. And I’m glad you recognize that. Unfortunately my wife doesn’t. Not yet at least. I know…I know… But there’s still time to convince her!
For little Cracker Barrel, Rusty, or BUCK, there’s always time.