Five Important Rules for At-Home Dads When Mom is Home

Pirate-Audrey

Thanks to the recent arrival of my newborn son, my wife is currently at home on Maternity Leave.  Being a stay-at-home father myself, this is great in many ways.  I’m not as lonely, I have some help around the house, and I can spend some quality time with her.

But this doesn’t mean that everything’s going to be beautiful sunshine and sugary sweet lollipops.  No, a stay-at-home father can make some big mistakes when he’s no longer the sole voice of authority in the home.  I should know.  I’ve made them.  But lucky for you, friend, I’m here to share my vast knowledge, and keep you out of the proverbial doghouse.

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Strange Exchanges with Audrey: Saying No to Chest Hair

Ears-Audrey

Like this, but covering her eyes instead

Those of you that know me likely know that I possess a truly magnificent mane of manly chest hair.  It’s in all the right places, and nowhere it shouldn’t.  It’s thick and soft.  And it’s even got some salt n’ pepper mixed in for good measure.  I’m proud of it, and rightly should be.

So this morning, as I am often wont to do, I was going about my day with only my boxers for clothing.  And that’s when my 2-year-old daughter said this:

Audrey:  Daddy, you wear something.

Me:  Why?

Audrey:  Daddy, I no like your… (thinks for a moment) …chest hair.  Daddy, you need wear something.

Audrey then goes to the dirty clothes pile in my bedroom, pulls out an article of clothing, and hands it to me.  It’s a pair of used boxers.

Audrey:  You wear this daddy.

Me:  You want me to wear this?  But I’m already wearing boxers.

Audrey:  Daddy, you wear that.  Wear it so no chest hair.

So I put on a shirt instead.

My Newborn Son Hates My Guts

Thinker-Zachary

It started when my wife left the room and said, “Mind watching him for a few minutes?”   Oh, sure!  No problem.  Newborns can’t move, after all.  They’re pretty much helpless.  I can handle this.

And then he pooped.  One of those long, drawn out, grunty poops too.  It was unpleasant to be sure, but fine!  Poop, as they say, happens.  So I took care of it.  Such is the awesome father that I am.

The next day I was holding the little man.  You know, gently and with love.  Such is the fantastic dad that I am.  And my wife left the room again.

Right then he pooped again.  And grunted.  And gave me a look that would shatter glass.  Suddenly it hit me:

This kid hates my guts!

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The Many Horrible Things That Will Happen to You When You Go From One to Two Children

Zachary Sleeping

Two weeks.  Two weeks since my family went from three to four.  Two weeks since my 2-year-old daughter met my newborn son.

A lot has happened in those two weeks.  Some ups.  Lots of downs.  My wife and I always knew the transition from three to four would be tumultuous, but predicting our new life and living it are two different things.

Still, knowing what to anticipate when you have a second child is your best course of action should you find yourself expecting once again.  So with that in mind, here is what you can expect to have happen to you upon greeting your second child:

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Art for Zachary

Balloon-Lad-Final-Web

So after many late nights spent sweating over a hot computer, here it is:  my first “drawing” for my newborn son.  Like with my art for Audrey, I kept up the timeless theme of exploration!  And, as you can see, it’s full of hot air.  Just like me.

Hope you like it!

Now There Are Two of Them

Zachary

That there is my new baby boy:  Zachary.  He came into the world just last night.  I am a Proud Papa once again.

Tired too.

I should be going to bed right now.  I got about three hours of repeatedly interrupted sleep last night.  But before I hit the sheets, I figured I’d fill you, my dear readers, in on a few random observations from the last 24 hours.  Enjoy.

  • The hospital is a really strange place.  It’s so amazing and crappy all at once.
  • In the past day I have consumed far too many turkey clubs.  I don’t know what this means, but I’m scared all the same.
  • Cots!  I hates you!  *shakes fist at sky*
  • The reason I had so many turkey clubs is because they’re the only thing on the menu that had any flavor.  I mean, how can macaroni and cheese not taste like it even has cheese on it?  Kraft brand would have been superior.  By far.
  • There was a bonafide party is the delivery room next to us.  There must have been 20 people there to watch the show.  I even heard one girl mention she brought her boyfriend.  Please, let that sink in for a moment.
  • The mac and cheese even had this fancy red spice on top.  But the fancy red spice had no flavor.  How can fancy red spice have no flavor???  C’mon hospital.
  • Her boyfriend!  To labor!
  • Nurses see a lot of crazy crap.  Mostly random people’s private bits.
  • So much trash!  My goodness, everything is paper and plastic in a hospital.
  • If I experienced just one hour of being a nurse I’d probably need a padded cell.
  • ijooook (my cat Monty just walked over the keyboard)
  • I have totally forgotten what it’s like to change the diaper of a newborn.  It’s weird!  They’re so frail-looking and wrinkly.  And the diapers are so small!  Terrifying.
  • The back seat of my car is now fitted for kids only.  I am officially a gigantic loser.
  • My wife is a warrior princess though!
  • Without the princess part, however…  Not because she couldn’t be!  We just don’t have any jewels.  Simple as that.
  • This is gonna get a bit schmaltzy, but I must admit Little Zachary has the biggest eyes I’ve seen on a kid.  He’s like E.T.!  And he’s grey and wrinkly too.  But somehow…he’s still cute as hell.  And I already love him.  Even though he’s done nothing thus far but poop and sleep.

Isn’t that weird?