Parenting is hard. But why learn to be a better caregiver when you can invent ways of making life easier instead? Now I know what you’re thinking: But Kent, inventing is hard too! And to that I say, yesss…
But not if they’re stupid!
Thankfully I do have stupid inventions. Strange and wonderful ones that you’d run out to buy right this instant if it didn’t critically endanger your child or make you look like a horrible parent.
Invention #1: The Binky Band
Binkies. They’re wonderful! They shut children up and…well, that’s about it. But since ceasing that endless noisemaking is every parent’s passion, they’re a godsend nevertheless. There’s just one little problem: they keep falling out all the time.
Here’s where my brain comes into play.
Let’s start with a question: What’s one defining characteristic of party hats? The elastic chin strap, right? Without them those hats would fall off your little rascal’s head pretty quick. Well, I’ve taken this concept and applied it to binkies.
It’s simple: Binky + Rubber Band = The Binky Band
Just stick the binky in the kid’s mouth, stretch the attached elastic strap around his still-unformed melon, and BOOM! That’s one binky that ain’t gonna fall out, friend.
Whether your kid likes it that way or not.
Invention #2: The Baby Bowl
Children are filthy. They drool. They spit. Food keeps falling out of their mouth all the time… It’s just a horrible aspect of parenting. But not anymore, friend! That’s because I’ve come up with The Baby Bowl.
Imagine a giant wearable plastic bowl that a child can wear like an upturned skirt. Now envision all those crusty boogers, chunks of three-day-old spaghetti, and baby tears falling not onto your beautiful hard wood floors, but into a large, bowl-shaped article of clothing that is not only comfortable to wear and fashionable, but dishwasher safe to boot.
Invention #3: Disposa-Clothes
Why wash your child’s clothes like a shmuck when you can just throw them away instead? Tossing out things we don’t care to deal with is the American Way after all. And since we can’t legally toss our children out, we can do the next best thing: do it to their nasty, snot-stained clothes.
Now I know what all you hippies are thinking: But what of the landfills? What of the unnecessary waste? Well, I got you flower-loving folks covered! That’s because my Disposa-Clothes are completely biodegradable! And that’s not all… This product is also entirely water-soluble; meaning all you need to do is pour water on your child and the clothes just wash away down the drain.
It’s like a bath and a change of clothes all at once!
Invention #4: Baby Thimbles (Bimbles?)
Babies have sharp little fingernails. They’re horrible. So instead of trimming them like a loser, cover them up instead with Baby Thimbles! They’re like little, rainbow-colored fingertip caps for your kids. They keep their little talons from scratching things while simultaneously making their hands resemble those of a Guatemalan tree frog.
And don’t worry, I’m sure your kid won’t think to eat them. Right?
Invention #5: Pens That Only Write on Paper (Catchy Name Still Pending)
Pens are great! So long as they are used with paper. Unfortunately children don’t see it this way and typically proceed to draw permanent lines on your furniture, table tops, and Season 4 “Coach” DVDs. It’s terrible. That’s why I’ve come up with a pen that only draws on paper. Sure, I haven’t actually constructed one yet, and I’m pretty sure I’ll never be able to–even with MIT right around the corner–but it’s the idea that counts, right?
Anyway, while joy will surely be had in ensuring the lasting sanctity of your valuable household possessions, true happiness will spring forth from the many moments you will spend watching your little monster try to draw on things other than paper. This is because there is no greater joy than being able to verbally taunt your offspring.
Yup, that’s what I sound like.