My Wife is Going Back to Work. God Help Me

Audrey-Zachary Chair

In just over a week my wife will abandon her stint on maternity leave and return to the wild workaday world.

This terrifies me to no end.

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My Daughter Made Jack O’ Lantern Representations of Her Family. Let’s Psychoanalyze Them


It’s Halloween Time at the Miller Home.  I’ve got my front yard all decorated with spooky bits.  My living room is adorned with spooky bits.  And there are spooky bits in the kitchen too, thanks to my ingenious idea to make jack o’ lanterns out of construction paper with my 2-year-old Audrey.

It was pretty simple really.  I cut out the shapes and had Audrey glue them together.  It was an easy, mostly clean way of spending some time together while also preparing for the holiday.  Just as I had planned.  Genius!  One thing I hadn’t planned on, however, was that Audrey would immediately identify a handful of the pumpkins as looking like her closest family members.

Let’s psychoanalyze her choices, shall we?

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Parents Never Forget: A Lesson to Children Who Mark Up the Furniture

Crayon Chair

Yesterday my 2-year-old did something she hadn’t before:  she marked up our furniture.  Our living room chair to be exact.  With crayon!  And lots of it.  The sound my wife made upon laying eyes on Audrey’s work of art was not one I would ever wish to hear again.  It could best be described as a prolonged screaming inhalation of hysterical breath, followed by a period of tense silence, and then a culminating, cataclysmic burst of outrage.


By the time I cautiously peeked into the room to see the chair for myself–listening to Momma scold Audrey all the while–I was already thinking, She’s never going to hear the end of this.  That’s because I should know.  I did something similar.

And my mom still won’t let me forget it.

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Surviving the Fourth Trimester

Zachary Smile

It’s been said that babies don’t gestate as long as they probably should–that as we humans have evolved into upright beings, we’ve been forced to evict our children from their cozy wombs a few months early.

This, should you subscribe to this line of thought, results in newborns that aren’t quite ready to inhabit this crazy mixed-up world of ours.  This also, should the same logic apply, results in much crying, screaming, sobbing, and nights spent rocking alone in the dark sucking your thumb.  In other words…

The first few months of a child’s life are miserable.  For everyone.

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