It’s Halloween Time at the Miller Home. I’ve got my front yard all decorated with spooky bits. My living room is adorned with spooky bits. And there are spooky bits in the kitchen too, thanks to my ingenious idea to make jack o’ lanterns out of construction paper with my 2-year-old Audrey.
It was pretty simple really. I cut out the shapes and had Audrey glue them together. It was an easy, mostly clean way of spending some time together while also preparing for the holiday. Just as I had planned. Genius! One thing I hadn’t planned on, however, was that Audrey would immediately identify a handful of the pumpkins as looking like her closest family members.
Let’s psychoanalyze her choices, shall we?
Jack O’ Lantern #1: Grandpa
Say hello to Grandpa. As if you couldn’t already tell. I mean, clearly this is Grandpa, with the narrowly set/possibly crossed eyes, the extremely long, unbalanced nose that threatens to veer completely off his face, and the two-toothed goofy grin. Who else could it be?
Still, one must admit that this is a rather jolly looking pumpkin. So, while she may have a warped view of what her grandfather actually looks like, if we are going to look deeper into this—and yes, we most definitely are—I’d say she definitely likes the company of her silly, goofy Grandpa.
Despite his face. Which, as you can see, is weird.
Jack O’ Lantern #2: Grandma
This here is Grandma. And…maybe we should start with her nose. Which is fine! It’s right in the middle of her face. Just where it should be. And, based on my experiences with her, just where her actual nose can be found as well. Good job, Audrey.
But then there’s those eyes. And let’s be blunt too: one’s looking up and one’s looking down. Sounds uncomfortable. Not terribly good for depth perception either. Hmm. Her mouth is also…pretty weird. It’s as if someone put her face into Photoshop, isolated her mouth, and rotated it to the left by 39 degrees. Hmm again. Perhaps real life Grandma and her pumpkin counterpart aren’t totally in sync.
So what does all this mean?
I don’t know, man. Let’s move on.
Jack O’ Lantern #3: Audrey
This is the pumpkin she anointed as herself. And clearly she is living in a perpetual state of fear. Note the wide eyes, the gaping mouth, and general look of put-upon horror adorning her face. This is the face of terror, friends.
The question is: Why?
Jack O’ Lantern #4: Momma
This is why. Her mother is clearly a bloodthirsty monster.
Angry eyes? Slits for pupils? Rows of razor-sharp teeth? General look of malicious displeasure?
Yup, sounds like Momma. She’s terrible! Her father on the other hand…
Jack O’ Lantern #5: Yours Truly
…is perfect in every way.
Note the wide smile that extends upward to the warm and welcoming eyes. Note the perfectly positioned nose. And the cheerfully effervescent effect the three have when combined with one another.
If this pumpkin doesn’t demonstrate my credentials as potential Father of the Year material, I don’t know what will. My wife however?
She drinks baby blood.* Happy Halloween, everybody!
*Love you too, honey!