My Daughter’s Unique Recipe for Eating Her Baby Brother

Audrey-Zachary Saucer

It cannot be debated that while babies look delicious, they should not be eaten.  This hasn’t stopped my 3-year-old daughter Audrey from hatching a plan to do just this, however.  She just can’t wait to harvest her baby brother for food.

AUDREY:  “Let’s eat Zachary, Daddy.”

ME:  “Oh yeah?”

AUDREY:  “Yeah!  Let’s sprinkle chocolate on him.”

ME:  “Oooh, that should make him tastier.”

AUDREY:  “Yeah!  First step is to sprinkle chocolate on him!”  (mimics sprinkling chocolate on the boy’s head)

ME:  “Great!  What’s the second step?”

AUDREY:  “Next we pour the butter!”  (mimics pouring hot liquid butter on him)

ME:  “That actually sounds pretty good!  What’s the third step?”

AUDREY:  (thinks for a moment then raises her finger triumphantly)  “Now some ketchup!”  (squirts imaginary ketchup then strikes a victor’s pose)  “Now he’s yummy!  Let’s eat him now.”

So it was then that my daughter and I sat beside young Zachary and pretended to pick pieces off of him and eat them.  We licked our lips, grunted like ravenous Vikings, and even debated Zachary’s tastiest bits (The belly—we both agreed the belly was the best part.)  It was a real highpoint for us.

Because there’s nothing like familial cannibalism to bring the gang together.

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I Am a Big Antisocial Weirdo Around Other Parents

Audrey-Window

An at-home parent typically has one choice every day:  leave the house or stay at home?  Staying is nice because you can go without pants all day and watch The Price is Right.  Going out is nice as well because, you know, nature.  But while going out often involves diaper bags, strollers, and frantic store aisle chases, those unpleasantries aren’t the worst things about leaving the house.

It’s the fact I’ll have to speak with other parents.

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Is the Second Child Really Easier Than the First?

Zachary-Tummy

When my wife was pregnant with our second child Zachary, various people offered the following refrain:  “Don’t worry.  The second child is much easier.”

Those people are liars.

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Pumpkin Snacks

Halloween-Audrey

The following exchange takes place EVERY SINGLE MORNING:

“Daddy, I want pumpkin snack.”  “How about a ‘Good Morning’ instead?”  “I want pumpkin snack.”  “Let’s start with breakfast, okay?”  “NOOO…I want PUMPKIN SNACK!”  And off she runs.  Whee.

So what are pumpkin snacks?  Pumpkin snacks are candy.

And they have infested my daughter’s brain.

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My Wife is Going Back to Work. God Help Me

Audrey-Zachary Chair

In just over a week my wife will abandon her stint on maternity leave and return to the wild workaday world.

This terrifies me to no end.

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Surviving the Fourth Trimester

Zachary Smile

It’s been said that babies don’t gestate as long as they probably should–that as we humans have evolved into upright beings, we’ve been forced to evict our children from their cozy wombs a few months early.

This, should you subscribe to this line of thought, results in newborns that aren’t quite ready to inhabit this crazy mixed-up world of ours.  This also, should the same logic apply, results in much crying, screaming, sobbing, and nights spent rocking alone in the dark sucking your thumb.  In other words…

The first few months of a child’s life are miserable.  For everyone.

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