Lessons in Fatherhood as Taught by Eighties Movies

Zachary-Spider

It was only after I said to my daughter, “If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything,” that I realized I just quoted Back to the Future.  I must admit I was a little self conscious about it at first, but a 2-year-old doesn’t know a McFly from a Tannen.  And the sentiment certainly isn’t bad advice to impart on anyone.  In other words, an eighties movie just taught my daughter a life lesson.  Interesting.

This got me thinking:  What other wisdom could I glean from the films of my childhood?  How could the movies of the ‘80s shape me into a better father?  And these are pretty stupid questions, aren’t they?

Yep.  But let’s see what I uncovered anyway.

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Is the Second Child Really Easier Than the First?

Zachary-Tummy

When my wife was pregnant with our second child Zachary, various people offered the following refrain:  “Don’t worry.  The second child is much easier.”

Those people are liars.

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My God These Kids Are Loud

Audrey Zachary Chair

This is what it is like trying to carry an actual conversation with an adult human being in my house right now:

MOMMA:  We should do something this weekend.

ME:  Oh yeah?

MOMMA:  Yeah!  The weather’s supp—

AUDREY:  Momma!  Shhh!

MOMMA:  That’s not very nice, Audrey.

AUDREY:  Shhh!

ME:  Daddy and Momma are just trying to have a con—

ZACHARY:  GLARK!  WAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

ME:  …  What were you trying to say again?

AUDREY:  Daddy!  You shush now!

MOMMA:  The weather.  They say—

ZACHARY:  WOOOOCK!  PA-WEEEEEE!!!

ME:  What was that?

AUDREY:  DADDY!  SHHH!

MOMMA:  I said—

ZACHARY:  WICKY-WICKY-WICKY POO-TWAAAAAAHHHH!!!

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Pumpkin Snacks

Halloween-Audrey

The following exchange takes place EVERY SINGLE MORNING:

“Daddy, I want pumpkin snack.”  “How about a ‘Good Morning’ instead?”  “I want pumpkin snack.”  “Let’s start with breakfast, okay?”  “NOOO…I want PUMPKIN SNACK!”  And off she runs.  Whee.

So what are pumpkin snacks?  Pumpkin snacks are candy.

And they have infested my daughter’s brain.

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My Wife is Going Back to Work. God Help Me

Audrey-Zachary Chair

In just over a week my wife will abandon her stint on maternity leave and return to the wild workaday world.

This terrifies me to no end.

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My Daughter Made Jack O’ Lantern Representations of Her Family. Let’s Psychoanalyze Them

Jackolanterns

It’s Halloween Time at the Miller Home.  I’ve got my front yard all decorated with spooky bits.  My living room is adorned with spooky bits.  And there are spooky bits in the kitchen too, thanks to my ingenious idea to make jack o’ lanterns out of construction paper with my 2-year-old Audrey.

It was pretty simple really.  I cut out the shapes and had Audrey glue them together.  It was an easy, mostly clean way of spending some time together while also preparing for the holiday.  Just as I had planned.  Genius!  One thing I hadn’t planned on, however, was that Audrey would immediately identify a handful of the pumpkins as looking like her closest family members.

Let’s psychoanalyze her choices, shall we?

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