My Daughter’s Unique Recipe for Eating Her Baby Brother

Audrey-Zachary Saucer

It cannot be debated that while babies look delicious, they should not be eaten.  This hasn’t stopped my 3-year-old daughter Audrey from hatching a plan to do just this, however.  She just can’t wait to harvest her baby brother for food.

AUDREY:  “Let’s eat Zachary, Daddy.”

ME:  “Oh yeah?”

AUDREY:  “Yeah!  Let’s sprinkle chocolate on him.”

ME:  “Oooh, that should make him tastier.”

AUDREY:  “Yeah!  First step is to sprinkle chocolate on him!”  (mimics sprinkling chocolate on the boy’s head)

ME:  “Great!  What’s the second step?”

AUDREY:  “Next we pour the butter!”  (mimics pouring hot liquid butter on him)

ME:  “That actually sounds pretty good!  What’s the third step?”

AUDREY:  (thinks for a moment then raises her finger triumphantly)  “Now some ketchup!”  (squirts imaginary ketchup then strikes a victor’s pose)  “Now he’s yummy!  Let’s eat him now.”

So it was then that my daughter and I sat beside young Zachary and pretended to pick pieces off of him and eat them.  We licked our lips, grunted like ravenous Vikings, and even debated Zachary’s tastiest bits (The belly—we both agreed the belly was the best part.)  It was a real highpoint for us.

Because there’s nothing like familial cannibalism to bring the gang together.


Pumpkin Snacks


The following exchange takes place EVERY SINGLE MORNING:

“Daddy, I want pumpkin snack.”  “How about a ‘Good Morning’ instead?”  “I want pumpkin snack.”  “Let’s start with breakfast, okay?”  “NOOO…I want PUMPKIN SNACK!”  And off she runs.  Whee.

So what are pumpkin snacks?  Pumpkin snacks are candy.

And they have infested my daughter’s brain.

Continue reading

Now There Are Two of Them


That there is my new baby boy:  Zachary.  He came into the world just last night.  I am a Proud Papa once again.

Tired too.

I should be going to bed right now.  I got about three hours of repeatedly interrupted sleep last night.  But before I hit the sheets, I figured I’d fill you, my dear readers, in on a few random observations from the last 24 hours.  Enjoy.

  • The hospital is a really strange place.  It’s so amazing and crappy all at once.
  • In the past day I have consumed far too many turkey clubs.  I don’t know what this means, but I’m scared all the same.
  • Cots!  I hates you!  *shakes fist at sky*
  • The reason I had so many turkey clubs is because they’re the only thing on the menu that had any flavor.  I mean, how can macaroni and cheese not taste like it even has cheese on it?  Kraft brand would have been superior.  By far.
  • There was a bonafide party is the delivery room next to us.  There must have been 20 people there to watch the show.  I even heard one girl mention she brought her boyfriend.  Please, let that sink in for a moment.
  • The mac and cheese even had this fancy red spice on top.  But the fancy red spice had no flavor.  How can fancy red spice have no flavor???  C’mon hospital.
  • Her boyfriend!  To labor!
  • Nurses see a lot of crazy crap.  Mostly random people’s private bits.
  • So much trash!  My goodness, everything is paper and plastic in a hospital.
  • If I experienced just one hour of being a nurse I’d probably need a padded cell.
  • ijooook (my cat Monty just walked over the keyboard)
  • I have totally forgotten what it’s like to change the diaper of a newborn.  It’s weird!  They’re so frail-looking and wrinkly.  And the diapers are so small!  Terrifying.
  • The back seat of my car is now fitted for kids only.  I am officially a gigantic loser.
  • My wife is a warrior princess though!
  • Without the princess part, however…  Not because she couldn’t be!  We just don’t have any jewels.  Simple as that.
  • This is gonna get a bit schmaltzy, but I must admit Little Zachary has the biggest eyes I’ve seen on a kid.  He’s like E.T.!  And he’s grey and wrinkly too.  But somehow…he’s still cute as hell.  And I already love him.  Even though he’s done nothing thus far but poop and sleep.

Isn’t that weird?

Oh My God the Terrible Twos Are Even Worse Than I Could Have Possibly Imagined


I don’t know what happened.  She was…fine!  I mean, she says “No” too much, she’s a messy eater, and she has a nasty tendency toward biting me on the neck sometimes, but Audrey was never a monster.  Certainly not ever a snarling beastly thing with pointy teeth, cold eyes, and a banshee-like wail to wake the dead.  But she’s like that now.  And to think that after over two-and-a-half years I thought I was out of the woods.  Que lastima.

The so-called Terrible Twos were upon us.  But ironically, it took a little while for my wife and I to realize it.  The signs in and of themselves were just the typical instances of a precocious young child struggling to adapt to this crazy work-a-day world.  But all added up, the picture soon became clear.  This infamous stage of toddlerhood was upon us.  God help us all.

Continue reading

Strange Exchanges with Audrey: Licking the Banana Bus


My 2-year-old Audrey has been dispensing a great deal of verbal weirdness as of late.  The most recent example involved a leisurely morning drive around town with her mother.

AUDREY:  Oooh, look!  A bus!  *pauses to think*  We needa follow the bus.  Go stop the bus.

ME & MOMMA:  What happens when we stop the bus?

AUDREY:  We gonna eat it.  Gonna lick it.

US:  What does the bus taste like?

AUDREY:  Bus taste like banana bread.

But of course it does.

Bubbles Need Poops and Other Inescapable Truths

Audrey in Thought

My daughter has a very definitive way of speaking.  Everything is absolute.  Nothing can be denied.  So when my particular 2-year-old states in a clear and convincing way that “Bubbles NEED poops”…

You almost believe her.

Of course, you and I know that bubbles do not indeed need poops.  They need a plastic wand, a gentle puff of breath, and a warm summer’s day.  So why is she saying this?  Why are bubbles pooping?  And why is it so necessary?  Are there answers to such questions?  We may never know.  Such is the mind of a toddler, I guess.  It’s too bad because this Inescapable Truth is not the only one to spring forth from my daughter’s mind.

And the others are just as weird.

Continue reading