Introducing the Men’s Only Reading Club

As a stay-at-home dad, I don’t get a lot of downtime.  If my newborn son is asleep or chilling in the swing, my daughter is likely to be painting the walls with strawberry yogurt or balancing atop a rocking chair to reach an out of reach picture frame.  Conversely, if my daughter is down for a nap or watching Wild Kratts, my son is screaming for a bottle or whining about being in his saucer for too long.  It’s exhausting, and accelerating the graying of my luxuriant hair.  But every so often I do manage to get a bit of a break—even when little Zachary is awake.  So what did I decide to do with that precious time?

I created the Men’s Only Reading Club.

So I Interviewed My Young Daughter About Santa Claus…

My 3-year-old daughter has never fully understood Christmas.  Sure, Audrey enjoyed the presents, treats, and lights in the past, but there was no real anticipation for her.  All the fun just happened, and that was enough.  Now that she’s three however, a strong sense of excitement has set in.  She knows Christmas is coming.  She knows she will get presents.  She knows she will get candy and treats.  And she knows Santa Claus is coming.  It’s fun!  But it also got me wondering…

How much about Santa Claus does she really understand?  I sat down with her yesterday to find out.

The Domestic Totem Pole of Power

At varying times spent in my current domestic capacity, I envisioned the power rankings of the many members of my family as one large totem pole–the powerful residing up there at the top, the meek at the bottom, just as you would expect.

Strange.  I know.

But now that my not-too-thrilled-to-be-a-part-of-this-outside-the-womb-world son Zachary has entered the picture, I found myself reassessing the current rankings around here.

What I found wasn’t pretty.

The Many Horrible Things That Will Happen to You When You Go From One to Two Children

Two weeks.  Two weeks since my family went from three to four.  Two weeks since my 2-year-old daughter met my newborn son.

A lot has happened in those two weeks.  Some ups.  Lots of downs.  My wife and I always knew the transition from three to four would be tumultuous, but predicting our new life and living it are two different things.

Still, knowing what to anticipate when you have a second child is your best course of action should you find yourself expecting once again.  So with that in mind, here is what you can expect to have happen to you upon greeting your second child:

Now There Are Two of Them

That there is my new baby boy:  Zachary.  He came into the world just last night.  I am a Proud Papa once again.

Tired too.

I should be going to bed right now.  I got about three hours of repeatedly interrupted sleep last night.  But before I hit the sheets, I figured I’d fill you, my dear readers, in on a few random observations from the last 24 hours.  Enjoy.

• The hospital is a really strange place.  It’s so amazing and crappy all at once.
• In the past day I have consumed far too many turkey clubs.  I don’t know what this means, but I’m scared all the same.
• Cots!  I hates you!  *shakes fist at sky*
• The reason I had so many turkey clubs is because they’re the only thing on the menu that had any flavor.  I mean, how can macaroni and cheese not taste like it even has cheese on it?  Kraft brand would have been superior.  By far.
• There was a bonafide party is the delivery room next to us.  There must have been 20 people there to watch the show.  I even heard one girl mention she brought her boyfriend.  Please, let that sink in for a moment.
• The mac and cheese even had this fancy red spice on top.  But the fancy red spice had no flavor.  How can fancy red spice have no flavor???  C’mon hospital.
• Her boyfriend!  To labor!
• Nurses see a lot of crazy crap.  Mostly random people’s private bits.
• So much trash!  My goodness, everything is paper and plastic in a hospital.
• If I experienced just one hour of being a nurse I’d probably need a padded cell.
• ijooook (my cat Monty just walked over the keyboard)
• I have totally forgotten what it’s like to change the diaper of a newborn.  It’s weird!  They’re so frail-looking and wrinkly.  And the diapers are so small!  Terrifying.
• The back seat of my car is now fitted for kids only.  I am officially a gigantic loser.
• My wife is a warrior princess though!
• Without the princess part, however…  Not because she couldn’t be!  We just don’t have any jewels.  Simple as that.
• This is gonna get a bit schmaltzy, but I must admit Little Zachary has the biggest eyes I’ve seen on a kid.  He’s like E.T.!  And he’s grey and wrinkly too.  But somehow…he’s still cute as hell.  And I already love him.  Even though he’s done nothing thus far but poop and sleep.

Isn’t that weird?

Night of the Possum, Part Two: Endgame

It was Saturday night.  The possum that had invaded and terrorized my house the night before was encased within my basement wall.  The trap that we borrowed from a friend was patiently lying in wait for the beast.  The worst that could happen is that it would just stay in there, die, and stink up the place.

So I went to bed.  That was that.

Three hours later I woke up to relieve myself.  Discovering my wife was already in the bathroom, I waited impatiently for my turn to arrive.  The house was the sort of dark and quiet you’d expect from 3 o’clock in the morning.  But that would not last for long.  When my turn came I shuffled into the bathroom silently and did my duty in the dark. Had I turned on the light, I might have noticed it sooner.  Instead many seconds passed before the possum caught my eye.

It was sitting in my daughter’s plastic training potty.  It was looking at me.